“They’re on my last nerve.” This is a comment that I have heard repeatedly all my life, always out of the mouths of Black women, always about relationships, whether at work, school, or home. The saying has reached the standard of being an informal African-American proverb because these five words hold a wealth of meaning and information.
Source: adaa.org
I found myself saying this to a dear friend this week (actually several of them) as I was working through a toxic workplace dynamic. For most of my career, I considered (wrongly, I may add) being in toxic workplace dynamics to be a ‘cost of doing business.’ The business was meaningful work, and the cost was my frayed nerves. Now, I know that remedies are available, and I must pursue them because my health is at stake.
When I worked within nonprofit organizations, there was always someone who required tons of attention, extra energy, and mental fortitude. Working with them took twice as long, required informal support (otherwise known as venting sessions) from others, and an acceptance of suffering (as in, this is who they are, and I’ve just got to tolerate it).
It’s a shortcut to understanding another’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state and tells the other person that an intervention of care, concern, and compassion is immediately needed.
As a kid, I intentionally eavesdropped on adult conversations, whether between my mother and her sisters, co-workers, or best friends (those were the juiciest). These conversations left me with clues on how the adult world worked. They told me what behaviors pushed others to their limits and the potential consequences of doing so.
As an adult, I valued these conversations in the workplace because they informed me who was safe to be in a relationship with and who to avoid. This intuitive response was shared peer-to-peer long before the research by Amy Edmondson, PhD, and others popularized the concept of psychological safety.
As I research psychological safety in the workplace, the saying “they’re on my last nerve” has been the catalyst for a deeper understanding of the connection between psychological safety, the list of characteristics of a healthy workplace culture, and polyvagal theory, which explains how stress impacts our nervous systems.
As mammals, humans need and use other humans to regulate each other’s nervous systems. Hence, the term ‘last nerve’ is a warning sign and a call to change because somebody in the relationship is in the fight, flight, fawn, or freeze mode. These states are natural and helpful in addressing an immediate threat, but they can become health-threatening when they become chronic states.
This is where healthy workplace cultures are important. They are literally health-enhancing, because they don’t tolerate toxic behaviors. Author Christina Lattimer, writing for The People Development Magazine, defines a toxic workplace relationship as “a harmful, negative dynamic between individuals. In the context of a toxic relationship at work, this can manifest as bullying, harassment, discrimination, micromanagement, gossiping, and a lack of respect for colleagues.”
Toxic workplace relationships can be racialized. Microaggressions, unfair distribution of tasks, and stereotypes (like the ‘angry’ Black woman) flourish under toxic workplace cultures and within toxic relationships due to asymmetric power imbalances. Often, marginalized people in a workplace have less space to maneuver and find remedies. For years, I second-guessed my reactions or tolerated unfair treatment because I wanted to be seen as a ‘team player.’
Deliberate Disruptions
I know that in most cases, it’s in everyone’s best interests to surface and address these dynamics—the Three A’s come in handy: awareness, acceptance, and action. The Three A's are a behavioral health approach that can be adapted to address toxic relationships. To gain an awareness of what was happening, I needed to realize that these ‘last nerve’ interactions were harming my health. I accepted that I fully participated in the dynamics and that it was my responsibility to change my behavior.
Guiding Questions
1. Are you a participant in a toxic workplace relationship?
2. If so, has it impacted your health?
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the health of your current workplace?
Notes
What is Psychological Safety?
Harvard Business Review, By Amy Gallo
What Is Psychological Safety? (hbr.org)
Dr. Stephen Porges: What is the Polyvagal Theory
PsychAlive
Dr. Stephen Porges: What is the Polyvagal Theory (youtube.com)
How To Recognize Toxic Relationships At Work and What To Do
The People Development Magazine, By Christina Lattimer
How To Recognise Toxic Relationships At Work And What To Do (peopledevelopmentmagazine.com)
The Three A’s of Change: Awareness, Acceptance, Action
Transformation Treatment Center by Keith Berger
The Three A's of Change: Awareness, Acceptance, Action! - Transformations Treatment Center